Listen to Your Heart

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Round and round the clock goes in a perpetual rhythm that doesn't slow or alter. Time is a rather fickle beast.

This morning I woke up with 5 hours. 5 hours until my life took a turn towards the unknown.

Here is a list of quality questions I have been asked by those I hold most dear in the last 12 hours.

"How are you today?"

"Have you talked to the people you are suppose to?"

"Where do you believe that you would flourish?"
"What does your heart want?"
"Are you afraid?"

Answers:

-I am...

-Working on it

-I will flourish in either, it just depends on what I want to flourish in

-My heart wants to hide in a corner and cry

-I am not only afraid, I am terrified

Here is a list of questions my brain has been asking me since about day 1 of this adventure.

"Where is Pennsylvania?"
"How do you even spell Pennsylvania?"
"Can I do this?"
"Am I good enough?"
"What do I want?"
"Could I actually get into the program?"
"Can I endure more soccer?"
"Is that what I want my masters to be in?"
"Will I be forgotten?"
"Will I lose God or will I find more of Him?"

Do not worry, I figured out where Pennsylvania is and I only get the red squiggly under it  occasionally. I don't know if I can do this. I am quite uncertain if I am good enough. I want to share life with people that I really care about, in the present and in the future. I could really come to love those out in Pennsylvania (actually, I know I would) but I really love the people I have here. I love Denver. I love Colorado. I love not having soccer.  I know I won't be forgotten. I know God is guiding my steps. I know that the answer to this is yes or yes.

As 5 hours became 4, and 4 became 3 I was stuck. Sitting in Franklin Andi says, "why don't you draw something?" (Why don't you function in the way that you function best? Why don't you function as poetry? I am inserting my own understanding of her question) I am not sure why I didn't think about it sooner. I am thankful for Andi. I sat at the kitchen table, with a canvas and all the tools I needed, save one...

I love my dad. I am the spitting image of him. Hold up a mirror to him and you would see me. I am rather unsure of why I waited until this juncture to talk to him, but I do believe that it came to me here and now for a reason. What we discussed brought this image to mind. Two circles: well I think circles-though they are a bit more abstract. In one circle's center is a calm, is the certain. It is soccer and school surrounded by the complete unknown of Pennsylvania. The other circle doesn't have a center. It really isn't even a circle. This is the image I needed to begin understanding what my heart wanted to say.

So after the phone call to my Dad, insert about 2 hours and a painting later and I have my answer.
The beautiful thing about art is that it speaks the words that we don't yet understand.

The painting began to take form. What began as the uncertain center of 'no' flipped in an instant to the center of a Pennsylvania 'yes'. When it hit my eyes I knew. As backwards as this sounds-Pennsylvania is safe. Soccer is safe. School is safe. I am tired of playing it safe. I am ready to step outside the rules of this world that so many speak of. Maybe the rules of this world are not the rules with which the Kingdom will be found. Maybe I am a fool. I pray God can use a fool. Adventure is out there and I am ready to find it.

"As you look at the day before you, you see a twisted, complicated path, with branches going off in all directions. You wonder how you can possibly find your way through that maze. Then you remember the One who is with you always, holding you by your right hand. You recall My promise to guide you with My counsel, and you begin to relax. As you look again at the path ahead, you notice that a peaceful fog has settled over it, obscuring your view. You can see only a few steps in front of you, so you turn your attention more fully to Me and begin to enjoy My Presence. The fog is a protection for you, calling you back into the present moment. Although I inhabit all of space and time, you can communicate with Me only here and now. Someday the fog will no longer be necessary, for you will have learned to keep your focus on Me and on the path just ahead of you." Jesus Calling, November 16th.



+1 Corinthians 13.12+Proverbs 3.5-6+Jeremiah 29.11