I'm not done.
Tonight as I was scrubbing my knees, lower legs, arms, and any other part that had mud clinging to it-it hit me. No more war stories. No more mud. No more bruises the size of an orange. No more cleat marks up the shin. No more practices in the pouring rain.
As much as we hate it. As much as our bodies protest every movement. As much as we despise waking up for early morning conditioning. As much angst as khaki's create.
We love it.
That's what makes us who we are.
There in lies our identity. There in lies my identity, and that identity is about to be taken away. No doubt by God-for a reason. Everything has a place and a time, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
Who are you?
"Hi, my name is Caitlyn."
No, who are you?
"Oh, who am I? Well-I'm a soccer player of course."
You realize that is about to be done, right?
"Well, yea, but I'm trying to ignore it."
So, who are you?
"Please stop asking me that. I don't know who I am without soccer. I don't know who I am without the dirty knees and bruised body."
Well, you had better figure that shit out.
Right? I really do need to. Who am I?
I will no longer be soccer.
I will be art.
UPDATE: I feel my heart rising. I feel my heart singing. I feel my heart crying. Soccer has been the constant-since the baby age of 3. That is 19 years. 19 years culminating in one final game. Tomorrow when I wake, I will be a soccer player no more, and I cannot wait. I cannot wait for God to define who I am by something new. Do not get me wrong, I am thankful for soccer. Thankful for the memories. Thankful for the lessons taught and learned. Thankful for the tears. Thankful for the laughter. Especially thankful for the friendships. Thankful for the humbling experience to lose-a lot. Thankful for the handful of wins.
Soccer has taken me to places I never knew existed, places of extreme pain but also places of extreme joy.
I am done.
+Ecclesiastes 3.1-8
Friday, October 26, 2012
It's the end of the world as we know it
REM certainly had a good thing going for them.
Have you ever wondered what you would do if the world went dark? If an apocalypse broke out? If North America turned into Panem? Have you wondered if you would make it?
I have, and I have compiled a list of very basic principles I think would be essential to survive:
1) Do not trust a stranger you’ve just met on the road. No matter how charming/attractive/struggling/decrepit this person is. I have made this my number one because I am often that person that gets scammed into slightly questionable situations.
One time I gave an old lady a ride home from the grocery store- not smart. Another time when I was driving, I pulled over and struck up a conversation with a gentleman on the side of the road- not smart. I often consider picking up hitchhikers- not smart. I would be that person, actually, I am that person.
2) Not trusting strangers is key, but make sure to trust and stick with people you do trust. This new world will be of little value if you are alone. I know I would try and find my family (in the near future I will be discussing a game plan with them), but I would keep my friends with me.
2.5) Completely opposite of a scary movie, no one would go and check on scary noises for any reason. Period. Alone or with a group- that’s just dumb.
3) No fires at night. You’re just asking for people to find you. Case in point, Frodo and his gang practically sending a signal flare to the evil spirit Ringwraith dudes on the watch tower. Yeah, I don’t want to get stabbed in the chest. Ever.
4) Get out of the city as fast as we could. All a city would be good for is mass chaos. I don’t like chaos. Possibly raid an ice cream store on the way out, though (assuming one is left standing). Everyone will be going for the cakey items I figure, and ice cream just plain don't last. Plus, the thought of any Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie or Coffee Coffee Buzz Buzz Buzz going to waste literally gives me pain in my stomach. Chocolate+Caffeine= Perfect Post Apocalyptic Runaway Recipe.
5) Acquire a knife. Not a dinky boy scout wannabe one, but more like a Crocodile Dundee, disproportionately bigger than my whole body machete thing. I may actually invest in one of those sometime soon as well.
6) Hope for the best.
+ 1 Thess. 4: 16-17
Have you ever wondered what you would do if the world went dark? If an apocalypse broke out? If North America turned into Panem? Have you wondered if you would make it?
I have, and I have compiled a list of very basic principles I think would be essential to survive:
1) Do not trust a stranger you’ve just met on the road. No matter how charming/attractive/struggling/decrepit this person is. I have made this my number one because I am often that person that gets scammed into slightly questionable situations.
One time I gave an old lady a ride home from the grocery store- not smart. Another time when I was driving, I pulled over and struck up a conversation with a gentleman on the side of the road- not smart. I often consider picking up hitchhikers- not smart. I would be that person, actually, I am that person.
2) Not trusting strangers is key, but make sure to trust and stick with people you do trust. This new world will be of little value if you are alone. I know I would try and find my family (in the near future I will be discussing a game plan with them), but I would keep my friends with me.
2.5) Completely opposite of a scary movie, no one would go and check on scary noises for any reason. Period. Alone or with a group- that’s just dumb.
3) No fires at night. You’re just asking for people to find you. Case in point, Frodo and his gang practically sending a signal flare to the evil spirit Ringwraith dudes on the watch tower. Yeah, I don’t want to get stabbed in the chest. Ever.
4) Get out of the city as fast as we could. All a city would be good for is mass chaos. I don’t like chaos. Possibly raid an ice cream store on the way out, though (assuming one is left standing). Everyone will be going for the cakey items I figure, and ice cream just plain don't last. Plus, the thought of any Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie or Coffee Coffee Buzz Buzz Buzz going to waste literally gives me pain in my stomach. Chocolate+Caffeine= Perfect Post Apocalyptic Runaway Recipe.
5) Acquire a knife. Not a dinky boy scout wannabe one, but more like a Crocodile Dundee, disproportionately bigger than my whole body machete thing. I may actually invest in one of those sometime soon as well.
6) Hope for the best.
+ 1 Thess. 4: 16-17
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
The Girl on Fire
Sometimes I enjoy asking my friends questions. I thought I would experiment on recording the actual conversation.
What is the soul?
"Why are you so caught up on this soul stuff?"
"My teeth are going to fall out of my head."
(After chomping on the next piece of 'Cry Baby' gum. If you have never had it beware; dangerous stuff)
"This is the problem; I am a one sentence kind of person. I can't go on and on...like you"
(I rolled my eyes a bit, knowing what she meant though the words did not necessarily reflect it)
"The soul is what God sees. The person He created you to be. That thing that people often miss. They don't recognize or appreciate it. People are caught up in physical appearances and actions rather than the being itself."
Why is the soul separate from appearance or action?
"I don't know, that is a hard question."
"I guess, hmm..."
"Well, I think a lot of time our actions are influenced by our sinful nature and our lust for things of the world. Most people see that heart, the sinful side, instead of the person who they are in Christ."
Why does this hurt?
"Because a lot of time we regret those actions. Once it is out there. Once it is committed, people don't forget."
What do you think about?
"Different thoughts. Sometimes, they are mean ones."
"Rachael really looked like a Dinosaur today."
"Teaching-How to improve. How to reach the kids who are totally shut off or the ones who are huge amounts of trouble. How to show love to those without fathers or who come from broken homes. How to be creative and fun. How to make kids love learning."
(Now that's a teacher if I have ever seen one)
Do you like to ride the fence?
"What fence."
(To which I replied, "all of them.")
"Depends on the day"
What fence did you think I meant?
"All of them."
(Smart Ass)
"The one between average and extraordinary."
"Most days I don't really think about it."
Why don't you think about it?
"I don't like to think about it. How much do you want me to answer?"
Not really looking for any certain length.
"Oh, so, quality not quantity."
"When it is something I am passionate about-that is when I try to be extraordinary. When it's stuff I don't really care about I just try to sneak by-I don't put the full work into it."
What are you passionate about?
"Ohhh....APPLES!"
(After discovering apples previously left in a backpack)
"What do you think I am passionate about?"
(Long dialogue about whether or not I can say what she is passionate about)
What do you think my look says
"You know I am honest. I am just saying what you were thinking."
"Friend, let's be nice. We shouldn't say those things."
There it is-an experiment. One that I enjoyed. Hope you do too.
What is the soul?
"Why are you so caught up on this soul stuff?"
"My teeth are going to fall out of my head."
(After chomping on the next piece of 'Cry Baby' gum. If you have never had it beware; dangerous stuff)
"This is the problem; I am a one sentence kind of person. I can't go on and on...like you"
(I rolled my eyes a bit, knowing what she meant though the words did not necessarily reflect it)
"The soul is what God sees. The person He created you to be. That thing that people often miss. They don't recognize or appreciate it. People are caught up in physical appearances and actions rather than the being itself."
Why is the soul separate from appearance or action?
"I don't know, that is a hard question."
"I guess, hmm..."
"Well, I think a lot of time our actions are influenced by our sinful nature and our lust for things of the world. Most people see that heart, the sinful side, instead of the person who they are in Christ."
Why does this hurt?
"Because a lot of time we regret those actions. Once it is out there. Once it is committed, people don't forget."
What do you think about?
"Different thoughts. Sometimes, they are mean ones."
"Rachael really looked like a Dinosaur today."
"Teaching-How to improve. How to reach the kids who are totally shut off or the ones who are huge amounts of trouble. How to show love to those without fathers or who come from broken homes. How to be creative and fun. How to make kids love learning."
(Now that's a teacher if I have ever seen one)
Do you like to ride the fence?
"What fence."
(To which I replied, "all of them.")
"Depends on the day"
What fence did you think I meant?
"All of them."
(Smart Ass)
"The one between average and extraordinary."
"Most days I don't really think about it."
Why don't you think about it?
"I don't like to think about it. How much do you want me to answer?"
Not really looking for any certain length.
"Oh, so, quality not quantity."
"When it is something I am passionate about-that is when I try to be extraordinary. When it's stuff I don't really care about I just try to sneak by-I don't put the full work into it."
What are you passionate about?
"Ohhh....APPLES!"
(After discovering apples previously left in a backpack)
"What do you think I am passionate about?"
(Long dialogue about whether or not I can say what she is passionate about)
What do you think my look says
"You know I am honest. I am just saying what you were thinking."
"Friend, let's be nice. We shouldn't say those things."
There it is-an experiment. One that I enjoyed. Hope you do too.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Tree
A tree.
Squirrel's really like trees. They scamper and live in them.
People are like trees. Ok, stop it with the judgmental face. It seems like common knowledge, but really think about it.
A tree needs deep roots.
No matter where the water is. No matter the type of soil. If a tree is growing it will have roots. They may be shallow but they are there. A full and thriving tree? Ready supply of water and a deep rich nutrient soil.
A tree has an ever growing trunk.
Every year a tree grows a ring. Had it been a year of drought? Tiny ring. Was it a bountiful year of rain? Thick ring. The trunk tells everything about the tree, yet most people don't get to see it. That tree has to be cut open and laid bare.
A tree loses its leaves.
Annually, people flock to mountain towns to gaze upon the changing and shedding of leaves. This happens, year after year. Ever changing the outer layer, yet nothing about this will change the trunk. Everyone sees these leaves.
A tree gives fruit.
Apple to apple, or an orange to an orange. There are apple trees, there are orange trees, and there are occasionally a few crazy banana trees. Trees are not both apple and orange. They are of completely different identity markers. Both trees, both different.
A person needs to be rooted-in something.
A person has a trunk-rather a soul.
A person loses their leaves-that person others see.
A person gives fruit-apples, oranges, or bananas.
Now, I know sometimes I look at my friend and say, "I want an orange." Problem? They are an apple tree. What am I going to do? I've got a few options:
1. Chop it down and burn it?
2. Climb and search?
3. Continue to demand?
4. Go search somewhere else?
5. Sit in the shade?
Each of these are choices to be made. Actions to be carried out, but I have found my heart is at peace when I decide to just sit in the shade.
+Psalm 1.3+
Squirrel's really like trees. They scamper and live in them.
People are like trees. Ok, stop it with the judgmental face. It seems like common knowledge, but really think about it.
A tree needs deep roots.
No matter where the water is. No matter the type of soil. If a tree is growing it will have roots. They may be shallow but they are there. A full and thriving tree? Ready supply of water and a deep rich nutrient soil.
A tree has an ever growing trunk.
Every year a tree grows a ring. Had it been a year of drought? Tiny ring. Was it a bountiful year of rain? Thick ring. The trunk tells everything about the tree, yet most people don't get to see it. That tree has to be cut open and laid bare.
A tree loses its leaves.
Annually, people flock to mountain towns to gaze upon the changing and shedding of leaves. This happens, year after year. Ever changing the outer layer, yet nothing about this will change the trunk. Everyone sees these leaves.
A tree gives fruit.
Apple to apple, or an orange to an orange. There are apple trees, there are orange trees, and there are occasionally a few crazy banana trees. Trees are not both apple and orange. They are of completely different identity markers. Both trees, both different.
A person needs to be rooted-in something.
A person has a trunk-rather a soul.
A person loses their leaves-that person others see.
A person gives fruit-apples, oranges, or bananas.
Now, I know sometimes I look at my friend and say, "I want an orange." Problem? They are an apple tree. What am I going to do? I've got a few options:
1. Chop it down and burn it?
2. Climb and search?
3. Continue to demand?
4. Go search somewhere else?
5. Sit in the shade?
Each of these are choices to be made. Actions to be carried out, but I have found my heart is at peace when I decide to just sit in the shade.
+Psalm 1.3+
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